If Dealing with the Resistance is the Key to the Kingdom, What is the Kingdom?

Lawrence Matthews

"Leaders endure two different kinds of crises. One has little to do with their own functioning … The second type of crisis, however, is precipitated by the leader's own leadership - it is not due to failure or incompetence but to his or her success at self-differentiation. ... It is simply not possible to succeed at the effort of leadership through self-differentiation without triggering reactivity … the capacity of a leader to be prepared for, to be aware of, and to learn how to skillfully deal with this type of crisis (sabotage) may be the most important aspect of leadership. It is literally the key to the kingdom. " (Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, pp. 246, 247).

I remember hearing Ed Friedman use the phrase on a number of occasions: "Dealing with the resistance is the key to the kingdom." I had my own thoughts about what he meant by it; however, after seeing it repeated in two different places in A Failure of Nerve (pp. 184 & 247), I decided to explore its meaning further. I began my search by turning again to one of the core concepts of his mentor, Murray Bowen: the process of differentiating a self. In his Epilogue to Mike Kerr's book, Family Evaluation, Bowen includes this statement: "The concept of 'differentiation of self' and its companion concept, 'the emotional system', are essential in family systems theory" (p. 342). Friedman's definition is my favorite: " … differentiation means the capacity to become oneself out of one's self with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of others (i.e., while staying connected to the others)." Those of us who are not only seeking to understand that process but to work at it in our own lives are learning that this is a life-long, always unfinished effort.

Bowen was a psychiatrist and his application of the concept was usually within the context of his therapeutic work with individuals and families. However, he also related it to leadership when he referred to the "family leader." In his Epilogue to Family Evaluation, he writes: "Operationally, ideal family treatment begins when one can find a family leader with the courage to define self, …"(p.342). He applied the concept also to his own leadership functioning during his years at the Georgetown University Medical Center's Department of Psychiatry. " … The focus was always on self instead of the other. This was used constantly in all administrative systems. When there was conflict or disharmony in the work system at Georgetown, it simply meant that self had played a part, and if self modified his part, the others would automatically change their part" (p.373).

In his writing and teaching Friedman expanded the application of the concept of differentiation to leadership. He coined the term leadership through self-differentiation to describe his way of understanding leadership by viewing it through the Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST) lens. He taught that there are four characteristics of such leadership: (1) self-regulation and (2) self-definition while (3) staying connected and (4) dealing with the resistance. According to him, all four dimensions are essential to this understanding. Persons in the 'L' (leader) position in any system need to connect if they are to affect the system. They need to regulate their own anxiety and feelings so as not to be determined by them. They need to know what their beliefs and values are, as well as their goals for the system, and express them clearly, always as an act of their self-definition and not an attempt to coerce or manipulate others. And they need to deal with the resistance that expresses the reactivity created by their more self-differentiated functioning. Friedman taught that this fourth task is the ultimate test of anyone who attempts to lead through self-differentiation. To use his words: "Dealing with the resistance is the key to the kingdom."

But if dealing with the resistance is the "key to the kingdom," what is the "kingdom"? I think I understand Friedman's emphasis upon the need to deal with ("respond to rather than react to") the resistance. I admit that I don't know what he meant by "the kingdom". I never asked him that question.

However, his frequent use of the metaphor underlines for me its importance in his thinking. I have come to understand it as Friedman's attempt to lead us to a new level of understanding leadership through self-differentiation. It really is about "self": the self of the leader. Dealing with the resistance is the ultimate reality check for the leader because it is resistance that threatens the leader's process of differentiation.

I no longer think the "kingdom" metaphor refers to the so-called success or failure that is a by-product of the leader's functioning. I don't think it's about the leader's reaching his or her goals for the system or defeating the opposition or winning the vote or keeping the job and getting the raise or any other external achievement. I think Friedman's unique contribution was simply and profoundly his application of this core concept of differentiation to the particular functioning position within systems that we call "leadership." For the leader who understands leadership in this way, the life-long journey of differentiating a self is the kingdom. And dealing with the resistance the leader encounters along the way, without compromising or abandoning this basic goal, is the key that unlocks the door.

A summary of a recent workshop presentation by Lawrence Matthews